You talk. She disappears

Let’s fix that, not repeat it.

Author

Klaudia Slosarova
March 29, 2025

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A client shared this with me recently:

“I was playing basketball with some mates.
First half, I was going all out — chasing rebounds, diving for steals, trying to control every play.
By halftime, I was completely wiped.
Meanwhile, the best guy on the court looked like he wasn’t even trying.
He wasn’t chasing. He was just in the right place every time.
That’s when it hit me — this is what I’ve been doing in my marriage.
Trying to control how every moment should go.
And it never works.”

He’s not wrong.

Most men aren’t failing.
They’re just using tools that don’t fit the job.

Here’s what’s really going on:

You’ve got a picture in your head of how things should feel:

  • How conversations should flow

  • How your wife should respond

  • How connection should work

But when the real moment doesn’t match that picture, what happens?

You try harder.
You explain more.
You push to make it click.

It’s not wrong. It’s human.

But it’s also like this:

You’re playing basketball but the court you’re on is soccer.
The rules are different, and no one told you.

So every move that should “work”?
Feels like it backfires.

It doesn’t mean you’re the problem.

And it doesn’t mean she is either.

But the pressure that builds, even when it’s subtle, starts to change how things feel for both of you.

You might think you’re trying to connect.

But to her, it can feel like:

  • “Why do I always feel like I’m in trouble?”

  • “I’m trying, but nothing’s ever enough.”

  • “Why do I feel more alone when we talk than when we don’t?”

And the result?

She shuts down.
Gets defensive.
Pulls back.

Not because she wants to.

Because her body is saying, “I don’t feel safe right now.”

But here’s the good news:

When you stop trying to force the moment and start reading the actual play in front of you things shift.

  • She relaxes, because she’s not bracing anymore

  • She engages, because it finally feels like a real choice, not pressure

  • She opens up, because there’s room for her in the moment

And for you?

You stop guessing.
You stop chasing.
And the connection you’ve been working so hard for?
It starts showing up without the strain.

Want to see how that shift actually works?

Reply “clarity” and I’ll send you the breakdown — the one that helps my clients stop trying to win the moment and start actually leading it.

Your move,

Klaudia